The C-Section Birth Story That Made Midwives Cry

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Abuse

After 11 years of marriage the one persistent question I’ve had to field was “when are you guys having kids!?”

Some people were sensitive enough to assume (albeit wrongly) that we had fertility issues. I guess in a way, we did face difficulties with the possibility of conceiving a child because of my sexual abuse history, it took a lot of work to regain a sense of autonomy.

How do I then give over my body to be “broken” for yet another? These were the thoughts I knew I had to catch and heal before pregnancy. I started looking for positive birth stories and to my pleasant surprise, found them everywhere.

The sharing of my body voluntarily, in my own time, after considerable healing with professional help, meant that the majority of my worries stemming from my SA experiences never came to fruition. It was just between my body, my baby and our Maker. For me, pregnancy was awe-inspiring from the moment of conception.

However, birth was a bit more of a wild card because there were others involved. I started my psychology sessions again in preparation, great idea. I sought to prepare my mental aptitude with positive birth movements like @christianhypnobirthing and @painfreebirth. Learning and listening and releasing any fear into the arms of my Father as I surrendered my birth to Him. Repeating the mantra that “I trust in the path that God has designed for me to meet my baby”.

My labour started at 39w & 3days when my water broke just after midnight. I felt a literal pop as I was about to go to bed and there began a 36 hour labour. My waters were measuring above the 95th percentile and we were told that there may be a risk for cord prolapse. My Dutch husband being an almost 12 pound baby was also on everyone’s mind and my baby was supposedly measuring above the 95th percentile as well. However, I was feeling confident in my ability to birth the baby God allowed my body to grow.

Contractions started at about 4am and were coming in nice and strong. My husband helped me get my TENS machine on and I tried to get some sleep. I was so excited! At about 9am, my second birth support person came. However my contractions slowed and stopped for a few hours even though we tried to keep a nice dark room to let the oxytocin flow. They didn’t return strongly till about 2pm. I tried to pump and that seemed to work.

The three of us headed to the hospital at 7pm and I was told that I would need to get on Syntocinon by 9:45pm as my waters had already been broken for over 12hours. This meant I would need to be monitored continuously and I knew my body needed to move. I declined the Syntocinon and asked for more time. We tried lots of movement and pumping. Contractions came hard and fast while pumping but I was so sore and was worried about feeding my baby after.

After about 6 more hours of labour, the midwife did a cervical check and revealed that I was only 2cm dilated. As a SA survivor, the cervical check was triggering and I was shivering with fear even before the midwife started. My husband and my friend were holding both of my hands and kept reminding me that this was not the same as before and that she could stop any time I wanted. I felt so disheartened that I wasn’t progressed further.

I stopped the pumping and asked for the Syntocinon as I knew I was on a time limit of around 24 hours due to infection risk as my water had already been broken for over 18 hours.

I started using gas and air as relief, this is when I remember fear clearly entering my mind. I started panicking and my husband had to really coach me to breathe. He did such a good job as we had already practiced this through my third trimester.

I was listening to @christianhypnobirthing tracks and my worship music in a fairy lights and galaxy projector lit labour room the entire time.

I got up to use the bathroom and knew I had to lock in and not let fear-tension-pain cycle take over. I focused deeply on my breathing, repeating “in my weakness You are strong”, “lead me to the rock that is higher than I” and “so what if it hurts, I’m leaning in”. For about another 6 hours I was have the most powerful and intimate time with the lord, worshipping, praying and leaning into the surges with no fear and even joking around with the midwives and my support people.

At one point I was on my hands and knees rocking back and forth, and had the most powerful encounter with the Lord. I felt so close to Him that it felt like a burning bush moment and I cried out to God, “if this isn’t the feet of heaven, I don’t know what is.” I started crying out of this deep gratitude repeating “thank you, Lord” for partnering with me. Costly creation of life. The midwife noticed this and asked my support person if I’m ok, and she said “yes I think she’s just overwhelmed” and I heard this, sat up on my knees and said “yes I am but not for what you think…” and words of praises would not stop falling out of my mouth, I have never felt closer to God. The midwife had tears in her eyes. I was there for 5 midwife shift changes and throughout that time, the midwives would come in and comment how peaceful this room was and that they just wanted to be in there.

We did 2 other cervical checks over several hours (well past the 24 hours that the doctors were comfortable with due to my waters being broken for so long) and to my dismay I was still only a few cms dilated. At about 32 hours of labour and no sleep, I asked for an epidural and increased the Syntocinon dose. I had a 45 minute nap and ate some food.

I knew that the C-section conversation was coming and I was ready to protest… however, God also reminded me that I already decided to trust Him to make the path for me to meet my baby.

A male OBGYN came into the room, he was trauma informed and had read my file. He offered his opinion and reassured me that the decision was still mine. He suggested that we do a cervical check as it has been 36 hours and I’ve been on Syntocinon for over 17 of those hours. A female midwife did my cervical check at the OBGYN’s suggestion due to my SA history. I was 7cm dilated but my baby has not descended at all. His position was also not ideal for an over worked uterus to be able to push effectively.

I asked for some time to pray with my husband and friend. But even before they left the room, a peace that surpassed all understanding flooded my mind, body and spirit. I was going to meet my baby via a C-Section and God would still be glorified. Many were the plans of my heart but I trusted in his the most.

My husband and friend were overwhelmed for me as they knew how much I desired a physiological birth. But I felt so held by God and calm that nothing in me was disappointed in my body or my baby. In fact I felt so supported and proud that I gave it everything I had. We prayed together and informed the staff that I was happy to go ahead with the C.

The delivery room was full of people, of course and it’s funny now to think… I thought my boy would come into the world in a dimly lit, hushed and cozy room but he came into the world in the brightest room, full of people who did their job diligently and throughly. He rose to an audience, lifted up to the sky, to a song his dad wrote (called Be still). It was a room filled with laughter and amazement. I couldn’t stop crying out “Thank you, Jesus”.

The 36 hour labour was also not wasted either because my boy came out crying with no fluid in his lungs because of all the squeezing. He was given straight to me and he did the breast crawl and latched perfectly.

The care of the medical staff was so beautiful that I felt like God was reassuring me that while some people have harmed me, there are many others who took part in helping me. This was not only a deep exercise of trust in God and my body but a training ground to put my trust in others in one of the most vulnerable moments of my life.

As I reflect on it now and I can honestly say I had a lot of fun with my birth team, labour was pretty cool and I felt so blessed as a woman to have experienced what I did. My prayer all through pregnancy was to have an empowering birth and not a traumatising one. In my mind that was a physiological birth but God answered my prayer via a C-section because at no point of my labour and delivery did I feel like my autonomy was stripped away and I felt so very empowered knowing my body was a vessel used to create life itself! That was always going to be costly but a price I am willing to pay 10 times over.

Mama: @evamuilenburg