When I'm NOT At The Birth: A Doula's Perspective

Some of my most successful doula experiences have actually been the ones where I haven't been present at a birth.

When I started out as a doula, I was so self-centred! I made births about me, what I would bring, what I was offering to my clients, and of course, I wanted to be ‘needed’. And yet at the same time, I also had a huge case of imposter syndrome.

Why would anyone want me to part of such a special and sacred moment?

Over the past few years, I have grown and matured away from these mindsets. God has gently reminded me that at the end of the day, it's not about me.

The word doula means "to serve." I am there to serve others. Not for my own recognition, gain or agenda, but simply to serve.

As a doula, my primary aim is not actually to be present at a birth. My primary aim is to prepare and equip my clients: parents and birth partners, so that they can confidently journey towards meeting their baby and have a positive and empowered birth and postnatal experience.

Image: @hollyferrandfamilyandbirth

Some of my most positive client stories have happened without me being in the room at all.

The first time this happened was during the COVID lockdown restrictions. My client knew from the outset that I wouldn't be able to attend her birth because her husband and mum would be using the limited birth partner spaces in the hospital. She hired me to prepare her for birth, knowing that my role would end before labour began.

Together we embraced that from the beginning. We spent our antenatal sessions preparing not only for birth itself but for the confidence that she and her birth team would carry into the birth room without me.

The second time was rather more unexpected.

I arrived at my client's home shortly after her eager-to-arrive second baby had been born. Labour had progressed so quickly that both I and the midwives missed the birth. If I'm honest, my first feeling was disappointment. I'd missed the main event. Or had I?

It didn't take long for God to gently shift my perspective.

The family were calm. Baby was happily feeding. The parents were soaking up those precious first moments together. They had felt prepared for a fast birth and knew what to do because we had talked through that possibility during our antenatal sessions.

My presence hadn't been necessary. But maybe I had done my job in the preparation? In fact, it almost felt more special that those first moments had belonged entirely to them.

Thankfully, mother and baby were both well, and it reminded me that sometimes the greatest success as a doula is knowing that parents feel confident enough to navigate birth, even when things don't go quite as expected.

There have also been several occasions where my clients simply didn't call me to be with them during labour.

Not because they didn't value my support. Quite the opposite.

They felt well supported. They were labouring brilliantly together. They felt confident, and equipped. They knew I was only ever a phone call away if they needed me, and somehow that knowledge alone was enough.

Being on call is an important part of the service I offer. Sometimes, simply knowing they had permission to call me at any point, and knowing I was ready if they needed me, gave them the confidence to continue as a fully equipped team.

I love that.

Needless to say, there is something utterly magical about witnessing a new life enter the world. Whether I am quietly sitting in the corner of the room or supporting a woman through the intensity of labour, I don't think I will ever tire of watching a baby's head emerge, followed by shoulders, tummy and legs, slipping gently into the world.

It is one of life's greatest privileges.

But increasingly, I have realised that my job is not measured by whether I witness that moment. My job is done when parents leave our antenatal sessions feeling equipped rather than dependent. When they understand physiological birth. When they have practical tools to help them stay relaxed and work with their bodies. When birth partners feel confident in how to support. When they understand their options and feel empowered to make informed decisions. When they know that whatever direction their birth takes, they already have what they need to navigate it together.

After all, I won't always be there.

The birth is only the beginning.

Soon they will find themselves sitting at home with this tiny new person, completely responsible for this precious little life.

No doula.

No midwife.

Just them.

And if I have done my job well, they will trust themselves. They will believe in one another. They will have the courage and confidence to keep taking the next step together.

Perhaps that's the greatest measure of success for a doula. Not that I was indispensable, but that, through preparation, encouragement and support, I helped parents discover they were more capable than they ever imagined.

God bless,

Helena (Team member at Christian Hypnobirthing)